His Capacity For Love is Tied to His Capacity for Avoidance
The painful disconnect between their feelings and actions
J suddenly ended our relationship 3 weeks ago and I keep replaying our relationship in my mind(all of the memories…all of them), searching for signs that he did and still loves me—because I know that on some level, he does. But as the days go by and he withdraws further, I find myself confronting a painful truth: his love is deeply tied to his ability to avoid difficult emotions.
and uuuuugh, it’s so frustrating. 😮💨
It feels like the person I love is slipping away, not because I think his love isn’t there, but because facing the consequences of his actions is just too overwhelming for him. I wonder sometimes, How can someone who loves me so much just suddenly abandon me?
And maybe you’re wondering the same thing about your ex.
I think they still do but their actions right now show that their ability to express love, empathy, and care is deeply impaired by their avoidance and compartmentalization. I know that sometimes, people who avoid painful emotions also avoid the people they care about because facing the consequences of their actions is too difficult. This doesn’t mean they don’t love you, but it does mean that they're not showing love in a way that you deserve or need.
And that sucks so much and is so deeply painful.
I think it’s okay to crave some sign that he still loves me. After everything we’ve shared together, it’s normal to want to believe that the does…
𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐢𝐬𝐧’𝐭 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐬, it’s about how they act.
And right now, J’s actions aren’t aligned with love. His avoidance, emotional withdrawal, and lack of accountability are causing harm, not care. It’s excruciating to sit with this uncertainty and confusion. It feels like the person I love has become someone else entirely. I have to remind myself that my feelings and my needs are valid, and I don’t need to settle for anything less than the love and care I deserve.
But damn, it’s so hard.
Even if he does love me, his current behavior isn’t what I need and it’s not emotionally safe.
If you want to share, I’d love to hear your thoughts — How are your ex’s actions impacting you right now, and what do you need to feel truly loved and supported?
I feel very similarly. My partner ghosted me also about 3 weeks ago and after 3 years of being together/only a few days before we were supposed to close on our new home. He said he was going somewhere for the night and would talk to me in the morning but instead he drove cross country to his parents and blocked me as soon as he left, just disappearing. after 1 1/2 weeks I tried to reach out via email to apologize for my part in our fights that led up to the breakup and he didn't respond. Just blocked me on there too. I know he's back on dating apps and talking to another woman already (I saw on our phone records which are still shared) a part of me knows he loves me and his avoidant self is doing all this to distract himself from his feelings and avoid any confrontation and pain but it's also so cruel. To not even say goodbye. To try and just erase me. You are right - love isn't just how someone feels it's also how they act. I know I didn't always act out of love and I carry a lot of shame and guilt and blame for him leaving )even though logically I know it wasnt all my fault) but I dont think I could ever treat a longterm partner the way he is treating me now. There's a lack of empathy and accountability in his actions. Discarding a human you claim to love in such a way.