Hi everyone. This week I'm gonna be answering a question that came in from someone here in the community, and oof, when I read this question, I immediately got it, just got me in the feels. The question is,
"Why does he hate me so much to do this?"
I just wanna say to the person who submitted this and to anyone who is feeling this way - I get it. I have also asked myself this question. Talking through this was so cathartic for me because I can see where I've come. I've also asked myself this question and was just convinced that this man hated me and still does. But after writing through this answer, I realize so much more is at play. I hope that it brings you the catharsis, the comfort, the understanding, at least, if anything, just the understanding of what else is at play here.
I want to guarantee you that he doesn't hate you, but I can't do that. What I do know is that it feels that way. It feels like they hate you because that would at least make it make sense, right? If they hated you, then at least their actions would align with something. At least it would give you a reason for their cruelty, for their indifference, and for their detachment, because…
How could someone do this to another human being, let alone someone that they claimed to love unless there was some deep-seated contempt driving it all?
I don't think that this is about hatred. I think what this is really about is fear, avoidance, emotional incompetence, and their self-protection at your expense. I really believe that's what it comes down to.
Then what happens is our minds are like, "Okay, so then why did he treat me this way? If he doesn't hate me, then why did he treat me this way?" That's a very fair question.
There can be multiple answers depending on the context. All of us have very similar experiences with these people. It feels like a playbook that they've all read. A lot of times if you look at my comments, people will say things like, "Were we dating the same person?" I've even gotten some DMs where people truly believed that I was dating their ex. That's how common this pattern is.
So I wrote a few things down about why they treated us this way:
The first thing that comes to mind is that they shut down because facing themselves is way too painful.
They are sitting in a lot of shame. If he had truly seen and acknowledged the depth of what he did to you, he would have had to confront something terrifying - that he caused immense harm to someone that he loved. And that reality would have shattered his self-image.
Instead of sitting with the weight of it, he distanced himself from you because you were the living, breathing reminder of his failures, of what he did, of how he treated you.
He cannot confront any of that. He also chose self-preservation over integrity.
Avoidant people don't handle conflict through conversation and repair. This is not the typical way that they do things. They handle it through disappearing, shutting down, pretending it never happened. Even if in the relationship, you can think of a few times that you did have conflict with some semblance of repair, I promise you, if we really dug into it, there would be avoidant patterns there.
He took the easiest path for himself, the one that required the least emotional labor, the least accountability, the least self-reflection, and
He detached because attachment itself is a threat to him.
He probably has some unprocessed childhood trauma. He never truly learned how to sustain deep emotional intimacy in a way that was secure and stable, or that required accountability.
Maybe if you think about your relationship, maybe he mimicked the intimacy through gifts, through affection, loving words, but when he was actually required to show up and be accountable, the entire structure of that relationship collapsed.
Do you see where this is not about them hating you, even though it feels that way? This is how you would think someone would treat someone that they hated. They have so much shame, and I don't say that so that it garners our compassion or empathy, but to help us understand that they are feeling shameful and that they can't confront themselves and nobody is holding them accountable.
When we look at it this way, their actions are not a reflection of our worth. I know that is easier said than believed -
That this was never about you not being enough or being unworthy of love, but more about their inability to be the kind of man who could meet you in the depths of a real reciprocal relationship.
The reason why it feels like hatred is because his avoidance is the most violent form of dismissal, because his detachment feels like active cruelty, and because his refusal to acknowledge your pain feels like rejection on a soul level.
When I hear my therapist sometimes say the word "rejection" in our sessions, I sometimes get a little bit confused because the breakup, the discard, the blindsiding, whatever you wanna call it, did trigger a feeling of rejection, but it wasn't the rejection that we think about. Like, "Oh, I'm not pretty enough," or "I didn't do enough," or "I'm too much," or all those thoughts that can run through our head that is normal during a breakup.
For me personally, it was on a soul level.
I understand that people have the right to exit a relationship, but how they do it and everything that comes with it, especially with someone that they loved, should come with so much more love and compassion and understanding. When your needs are completely disregarded, the rejection is of my own humanity. And who would do that? It's normal to think, "You must have hated me. You must have been punishing me for something."
I want you to know that hatred requires effort. What this person's doing to you isn't hatred. It's cowardice and weakness and emotional abandonment. While I know that it doesn't make any of this better - in fact, it probably makes it worse on some level because it means he wasn't even willing to fight for the relationship, for the truth, or for real repair - it means he was prioritizing his own comfort over your humanity. It means that he knew you were suffering and did nothing, and I know how excruciating that is.
I know that you're exhausted.
I know it feels like this grief will never let go of you, but I also want you to know that you are breaking free of this because:
you're asking the right questions.
You're facing what they refuse to face.
You're choosing healing even when it feels impossible, unbearable.
That's a win.
Not because you wanted to win, but because you're building a life where his absence is no longer the loudest thing in the room day by day.
And that is your justice for all of this.
Piece by piece.
