Did It Even Matter to Them?
+ A Resource for the Version of You Who Can't Explain This Pain
If you're reading this, you're probably drowning in one of the most torturous questions a human heart can ask… Did any of it matter to them?
“Do I matter?”
You're replaying every moment, every word, every touch, searching for evidence that what you experienced was real. You're analyzing their behavior, their silence, their apparent ability to just... move on. And your brain is working overtime trying to decode it all.
Your need to understand is your mind is trying to make sense of something that defies logic.
Your brain is literally designed to create coherent narratives from your experiences. When someone who showed you genuine love, care, and connection suddenly treats you as if you never existed, it creates what psychologists call "cognitive dissonance," and your brain will work tirelessly to resolve it.
It’s the “yeah, I am definitely going crazy” feeling … the, “Nothing feels real and I don’t know what’s happening”
It’s a scary place to be, and I’m so sorry you’re having to live this experience.
Your Attachment System is in Crisis
When someone creates safety and connection with you, your attachment system comes online. It maps them as a "safe person" … It’s like, someone your nervous system can rely on.
Great!
When that same person suddenly becomes unavailable or harmful, your attachment system goes into crisis mode.
Your obsessive thoughts aren't about being "too attached"; they're your nervous system trying to understand why your safe person became dangerous.
What creates the deepest confusion isn't just the loss, it's the contrast. The person who held you, who celebrated your achievements, who created genuine moments of connection... how can that same person now act as if you're invisible?
This inconsistency is precisely what makes it so hard to comprehend. Your brain keeps searching for the missing piece that will make it all make sense.
If They're in Avoidance Mode
What it looks like:
Complete emotional shutdown
Acting as if you never existed
Inability to acknowledge any impact
Seeming genuinely unbothered
What it means: They're protecting themselves from feelings that feel too overwhelming to face, like guilt, shame, overwhelm, etc.
Meanwhile…
Your body registers this sudden abandonment as a threat.
It doesn’t care that it was a relationship ending; it reads it like a death.
If you’re feeling foggy, panicked, frozen, exhausted, or like your insides are screaming for something to make it stop…
That’s your body trying to understand what it just lived through.
I made something to go with this.
If you’re struggling to put words to what this feels like in your body, in your thoughts, in your day-to-day, this checklist might help.
It’s not a tool to fix you. It’s just something to hold when everything feels too big and too hard to explain.A way to name what’s happening inside you, especially if no one else seems to get it.